The Magickal Golden Corn Stalk
by ScapeGirl
Summary: What do you get when you mix 1 insane writer, 18 of her favorite characters from various medias and a magickal, golden corn stalk? This story! It's FS, First Wave, Lexx, Star Trek: TNG,DS9,Voyager, and Harry Potter! ***Chapter 5 now up!!!*** R&R please!!!
1. The Beginning

1 The Magickal Golden Corn Stalk  
  
Chapter One: The Beginning  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people! I'm just borrowing them for a little while. I promise to return them when I'm done! Don't sue me, please. I only have $22 and my ring to my name, as of the writing of this. It's probably less by the time you read this! So, yeah, suing me is pointless. Plus, the fact that I already said they're not mine, so there! ^_^  
  
Summary: What do you get when you mix one insane writer, 18 of her favorite characters from various TV shows/books/movies and a magickal, golden corn stalk? This story! Now read on!  
  
**************************************************************************** ***********************************  
  
John Crichton sat on the terrace, looking into the stars. Well, counting them, actually. Damn it, he was bored. They'd pretty much just been drifting for the last week and a half. No Scorpious, Crais, or just random insane people that, for no apparent reason, wanted to blow their heads off. And in their absence, boredom had over come them all.  
  
It was a fate worse then death.  
  
Aeryn walked in a plopped down next to John. "Seen anything exciting?"  
  
"I'm *counting* the stars. You think I've seen anything exciting?" he grumbled.  
  
"What number are you on?"  
  
"Uh…" John thought for a moment. "I dunno. I kinda lost track."  
  
Aeryn raised an eyebrow at him. "You've been counting the stars, but you've lost track?"  
  
John shrugged and laid down. "Wake me up if anything remotely close to exciting happens."  
  
  
  
Manda sat back and watched without anyone taking notice. She snickered evilly to herself. "Oh, just you wait Mr. Crichton. I've got some excitement for you…" She burst into a fit of, quiet, evil snickers again.  
  
  
  
John awoke with a start as a loud thud rang out in the terrace.  
  
"Damn it all," Manda muttered. "When I said 'The writer drops in on John and Aeryn,' I didn't mean *literally!*"  
  
Both John and Aeryn stood up. John just blinked in Manda's general direction, while Aeryn pulled out her pulse riffle and pointed at her. "Who the *frell* are you?" she demanded.  
  
"Wha?" Manda said distantly, picking up her infamous black notebook and blue pen. (A/n: Yes, I really do have an infamous black notebook and blue pen. Whenever someone sees me with them, they know I'm writing some of the most frightening things ever put on paper ^_^) "Oh, yeah. I am," she bowed, "the writer and, for the duration of this story, supreme queen of the universe! But just call me Manda."  
  
Aeryn looked at Manda in disbelief. "*You're* the writer? A weak, pathetic little thing like you?"  
  
Manda glared at Aeryn. "Oooh, Aeryn, I like you and all, but you're gonna pay for that one." She quickly wrote something down in her notebook. Aeryn suddenly threw her pulse riffle aside and began singing.  
  
"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall. 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer…"  
  
Manda giggled madly. "Call *me* weak and pathetic, will you? So, anyway," she said, ignoring Aeryn's singing, "I understand y'all have been bored lately."  
  
"Er, yeah," John said.  
  
A scary sort of wild look came over Manda's face. John and Aeryn looked at each other while Aeryn continued to sing. ("92 bottles of beer on the wall…") "I'm here to fix that!" Manda exclaimed. "But first…" Manda wrote something down in her infamous black notebook.  
  
Manda, John, and Aeryn suddenly appeared in Pilot's den, along with D'Argo, Chiana (A/n: GO CHIANA!), Rygle, Jool, Stark, and Zhaan. Everyone looked around confused, but Zhaan most of all.  
  
"Excuse me," she said, the first one to find her voice, "but what exactly am I doing here?"  
  
"I brought you here," Manda said cheerily. "You kick ass Zhaan. You never should've died. So I brought you back."  
  
"Oh. Ok."  
  
"And who are *you*?" D'Argo asked angrily.  
  
"This is Manda, the writer and supreme queen of the universe," John said. "And I wouldn't say anything bad about her," he added, pointing at Aeryn, who was on 85 bottles of beer.  
  
Manda smiled brightly. "He's got it. Now, we got all you guys here. Next we need…" Manda wrote furiously in her infamous black notebook.  
  
Cade Foster and Eddie Nambulous suddenly appeared in Pilot's den.  
  
"Cool," Manda said.  
  
"What the hell?" Cade said. He looked around from the aliens, to a human- looking guy, to a human-looking chick sing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, to a human-looking girl holding a notebook and grinning like an idiot.  
  
John sighed. "This is-"  
  
"Wait John," Manda interrupted. "We've got more coming. Cade, Eddie, just chill a second. I'll let John explain everything once I've got everyone here." She continued to write.  
  
By the time Manda was done, Will Riker, Wesley Crusher, Julian Bashir, Seven, Kai, Acorna, Harry Potter, and Oliver Wood (A/n: from the movie!!!) had appeared in Pilot's den. Everyone looked thoroughly confused, except for Manda, who looked very pleased with herself.  
  
"Hey Manda?" John said. "It's getting kinda crowded in here."  
  
"Hrm…" Manda wrote in her infamous black notebook and everyone appeared in the cargo bay. "Better?" she asked?  
  
Everyone nodded in agreement. John quickly introduced Manda, and everyone introduced themselves to everyone else.  
  
"Good," Manda said when they were done. "So, I bet y'all are wonderin' why you're here?" she asked. Again, everyone nodded. "Ok, I'll explain.  
  
"Farscape people; duh, this is a Farscape fic! Acorna and Harry; you're both two really, really cool adventurous-type people. Seven and Eddie; you're cool, plus you're two smart people I can carry on an intelligent conversation with. Cade, Will, Wesley, Julian, Kai, and Oliver; if you haven't noticed, you guys are insanely cute!" Manda giggled.  
  
"So," she said, regaining her composure. "Any questions?"  
  
"Yeah," Will said. "Is this story ever going to have a plot?"  
  
"Plot? Oh geez, I knew I forgot something! Hmmm…" Manda stared out into space as she thought, both a loud and to herself. "Well, plot needs a conflict. But so many different types of conflict. Which to choose, which to choose?" She thought some more.  
  
"I've got it!" she said suddenly, causing everyone to jump. She started writing while she spoke. "You must all break into teams…to retrieve…the magickal, golden…corn stalk! Yeah, magickal corn stalk." She continued to write.  
  
"We have to get a corn stalk?" Acorna asked.  
  
"Not just any corn stalk. A magickal gold one." She finished what she was writing. "Ok, so we need teams. 18 of you, so how 'bout 3 teams of 6?" When no one objected, she continued.  
  
"All right. Acorna, you're the captain of Team 1. Stand there. John, you're the captain of Team 2. Stand there. Cade, captain of Team 3. Over there. Ok, good. D'Argo, Aeryn, Stark, Eddie, and Julian, you're all on Team 1. Stand behind Acorna. Chiana, Zhaan, Wi-"  
  
"Hey, wait a sec!" John interrupted. "Why can't Aeryn be on my team?"  
  
"1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer. You take it down, pass it around, no bottles of beer on the wall. Yeah! I demand to be on John's team."  
  
"Oh, shut *up*, both of you. You think I'm stupid? I know what you'd be doing if I put you on the same team. And Aeryn, if don't wanna be doing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall for the entire fic, you'll stop demanding stuff right now." Aeryn glared and took her place in her team while John pouted at Manda.  
  
"Sorry Cutie," Manda said, "that won't work. Now, Chiana, Zhaan, Will, Seven, and Harry, you're on Team 2. Behind John please. Rygle, Jool, Wesley, Kai, and Oliver, behind Cade. You guys are Team 3."  
  
"I gotta have that thing on my team?" Cade asked, pointing at Rygle as he floated over. "I don't even know him and I don't like him."  
  
Manda growled. "Teams are *final*! It took a very complicated system to organize them, and-"  
  
"Er, excuse me," Wesley said from his place behind Cade. "Exactly what system did you use to divide us into teams?"  
  
"I wrote down all your names, put a number next to 'em, and then put a circle, triangle, or square around each number." Manda smiled.  
  
"*That's* your complicated system?" Julian asked exsasperated.  
  
"Yeah. Circle for Team 1, triangle for Team 2, and square for Team 3. Which, by the way, are, respectively, the team symbols." Manda wrote something down, and their team's shape appeared on everyone's forehead.  
  
"Now, if at any time, for whatever reason, you need to see me, *one* person may say 'Booga booga booga,' to be transported here," Manda said, writing while she wrote. "There. Let's test it out. Oliver, go out that door and say 'Booga booga booga.'"  
  
"Why me?" Oliver complained. "I don't trust you."  
  
"Why you? 'Cause I said. Unless you'd rather I turned you into a toenail," Manda said evilly.  
  
Oliver gulped and walked out of the room. A moment later, he appeared in front of Manda.  
  
"Good," she said, writing something. "Ok, now say, 'Macaroni and cheese' and walk back in here through the door."  
  
"Macaroni and cheese," Oliver said, and disappeared. A moment later, he walked back in the cargo bay and back to his team line.  
  
"Cool," Manda said.  
  
"What happens when we find the corn stalk?" Harry asked.  
  
"Which corn stalk would that be?" Manda asked impatiently.  
  
Harry sighed. "Must I?"  
  
Manda nodded.  
  
Harry sighed again. "The magickal, golden corn stalk."  
  
"Uhhhhhh…I haven't decided yet. We'll decide that when we get to that point. Now, when I shoot this gun," a small pistol appeared in Manda's hand, "the game starts. Oh, and Captains, if any of your subordinates is causing problems, just start break dancing while shouting their name."  
  
"Break dance?" Acorna asked.  
  
"It's basically spinning on your head. Cade, show her."  
  
Cade rolled his eyes and sighed, and did a short break dance routine.  
  
Manda scribbled something down when he was finished, and everyone started clapping and cheering whether they wanted to or not. When they were done, Manda raised her gun.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
"NO!" everyone shouted.  
  
"Good." She pulled the trigger and the teams ran off behind their captains.  
  
Manda set to gun down and it disappeared. "Oh, this is going to be good," she said, smiling.  
  
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A/n: You like? You don't like? Which ever the case is, please review! I know this isn't the best, but it's just the beginning. I'm posting each team's (mis)adventures as a separate chapter. I still dunno who's going to win though. Put that in your review too, which team you think should get the magickal golden corn stalk. ^_^ Thanx for reading!  
  
~ SG 


	2. Team 1 Begins

The Magickal Golden Corn Stalk  
  
Chapter Two: Team 1 Begins  
  
Disclaimer: Geez, didn't you read the first chapter? I don't own these people! None of them! Except myself. But even I don't want to own myself, so if anyone wants me, just say so in the review you know you wanna leave. ^_^ Anyway, please don't sue me. I'm poor. I still only have $22, as of writing this. So, yeah. Suing me isn't worth it.  
  
Summary: What do you get when you mix one insane writer, 18 of her favorite characters from various TV shows/books/movies and a magickal, golden corn stalk? This story! Now read on!  
  
**************************************************************************** ***********************************  
  
"So, what species are you?" Julian asked Acorna as Team 1 just ran, to where? They didn't know.  
  
"Linyarri."  
  
"And they all look like you?"  
  
"Not all. My coat is white because of my having traveled in space. No one is sure why, but space travel causes a Linyarri to change this color."  
  
"Fascinating."  
  
"I *hate* to break up this lovely little conversation," Aeryn said, "but do you have any place special you're taking us? Or are we just running for our health?"  
  
Acorna stopped abruptly, conveniently enough, in front of a door. The rest of the team also stopped.  
  
"I don't know why I was running. Or why I stopped." Acorna looked around. "What's this?" she asked, pointing at the door.  
  
"The galley," D'Argo said.  
  
"Is it safe?" Eddie asked.  
  
"No," Aeryn said, rolling her eyes. "The food has a tendency to attack people at random, and the appliances are schizophrenic. Especially this one spatula. It thinks it's John Wayne."  
  
"You don't have to be rude, man."  
  
"Rude? You don't know *half* the meaning of 'rude,' you little–"  
  
"We shouldn't argue," Acorna interrupted. "It won't help if we want to work together."  
  
"Maybe some of us don't. Why do we even *want* to get this stupid corn stalk?" Stark asked. "Come to think of it, who makes a corn stalk golden, let alone magickal? And why does Manda keep spelling magickal with a 'k?!'" Stark let out a scream.  
  
"Very good questions," Acorna said when Stark was done with his screaming fit. "Why don't you go ask Manda, …?"  
  
"Stark," Stark said. He sighed. "Why me?"  
  
"'Cause she's the leader, and she told you to?" Eddie offered.  
  
"Because your whining is bloody annoying," Julian grumbled.  
  
"Because I'm going to strangle you if you scream like that again," Aeryn growled.  
  
"All of the above," D'Argo said.  
  
Acorna nodded, "Those reasons, plus, he asked the questions," she said.  
  
Nods and "Ahhh's" came from everyone but Stark, who was pouting.  
  
"But I don't want too!" he whined.  
  
"Yeah, well, too bad," Eddie said.  
  
"Should've kept your mouth shut," Acorna said. "Now go. We'll be in the galley."  
  
Stark sighed. "Fine. Booga booga booga," he mumbled.  
  
Instantly, he vanished.  
  
"Hey, can we ditch him?" Eddie asked.  
  
Acorna thought for a moment. "It's an appealing idea, but no. I don't think Manda would let us."  
  
"What an evil writer," Julian said as they walked into the galley.  
  
  
  
"Yeah, so I brought all my favorite characters here so I could torture them," Manda explained to a certain cute engineer from an old Enterprise.  
  
"But if they're your favorite characters, why do you wanna torture them?" Trip asked in his cute southern accent.  
  
Manda shrugged. "'Cause I'm evil."  
  
"Oh. That's kinda cool." He paused a sec. "How're you torturing them?"  
  
"Oh, I 'em into teams and they have to find the magickal golden corn stalk."  
  
"What happens when they find it?"  
  
Manda shrugged again. "I don't know yet. What do you think, Trip?"  
  
"Hmmm." Trip though. "Turn 'em into lamps."  
  
"Lamps, huh? That's an idea. I better jot that one down. See, I was thinking maybe fish or frogs, but I didn't know."  
  
"Fish sounds good."  
  
Manda smiled. "Trip, I like the way you think."  
  
Suddenly, Stark appeared in front of Manda  
  
"Damn it all Stark! Can't you see I'm *trying* to flirt with a cute guy here?!"  
  
Stark looked up at Trip, whose face was going bright red. "Uh, sorry. But I have a couple of questions."  
  
Manda growled and rolled her eyes. "Fine, but make it quick."  
  
"Ok. First, why do we want to get this corn stalk?"  
  
"'Cause I said you do," Manda said stubbornly.  
  
Chiana suddenly appeared.  
  
"Hey! You wait your turn buddy. Go ahead Stark."  
  
"Who makes a corn stalk golden and magickal?"  
  
"I do."  
  
Stark raised his eyebrow. "All right. And why do you keep spelling magickal with a 'k?'"  
  
"I like magickal spelled with a 'k,'" Trip said. "It's creative."  
  
Manda beamed. "Thank you Trip."  
  
"Ok," Stark said. "Uh, thanks, I guess."  
  
"Good," Manda said. "Now go away."  
  
"Bitchy much?" Stark muttered. "Erm, macaroni and cheese." He disappeared.  
  
"All right, now what do you want Chiana, and make it quick!"  
  
  
  
The team was deep in discussion when stark returned.  
  
"So, you think the corn stalk is in this 'Command,' as you call it?" Acorna asked.  
  
D'Argo shrugged. "I'm just naming places it could be." He looked at Stark as he walked to the group. "Get your answers?"  
  
"Yeah," Stark said. "She says 'cause she says we do, she does, and some guy named Trip that she's got the hots for thinks spelling it with a 'k' is creative."  
  
"Manda captured another helpless, unwilling victim?"  
  
"This Trip guy hardly looked unwilling. But anyway, we're going to Command?"  
  
"Yes," Julian said. "Your ship mates think it's worth a shot."  
  
"So what's the quickest way there?" Eddie asked.  
  
Aeryn, D'Argo, and Stark looked at each other. "Probably just left out the door and straight," Aeryn said. The others nodded.  
  
"Well," Acorna said, "let's go."  
  
As they all turned to leave, they heard a strange noise from behind them. They turned around to see a certain spatula doing a Ryan Stiles-like impression of John Wayne.  
  
"I think Manda heard us," Julian said in shock.  
  
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A/n: Well's, there's the beginning of Team 1's (mis)adventures! I hope you like. Yes, I realize I just posted the beginning yesterday, but I was just inspired to write! Plus, y'know, this story is just way too much fun. He he he…I have RPG Maker. I'm thinking of making this a game. ^_^ Yes, I would be that evil. Anyway, ignore my thinking a loud. Just review, please! And tell me which team should win, 'cause I still don't know. Your votes count guys! And if you want to see my chat with any other cute guys, lemme know that too. OH! And my friend Kara (*FiReFaIrY*) is going to make a cameo. Tell me, would you rather see her beaten with a duck, or a pig? Ok, guys, now that I've taken up enough of your precious reviewing time, go review! ^_^  
  
~ Manda/ScapeGirl 


	3. Team 3's Beginning, or, How the HELL Did...

The Magickal Golden Corn Stalk  
  
Chapter Three: Team 3's Beginning, or, How the HELL Did We Get to 3?!  
  
Disclaimer: Ok, this is quickly getting old. I think y'all know the drill; I don't own ANY of these characters, only got $22, pointless to sue me, yadda yadda yadda.  
  
Summary: What do you get when you mix one insane writer, 18 of her favorite characters from various TV shows/books/movies and a magickal, golden corn stalk? This story! Now read on!  
  
***************************************************************************************************************  
  
Team 3, Cade in the lead, had the shortest run (or, in Rygle's case, float) of all. Almost as soon as they left the cargo bay, they all stopped in front of a door.  
  
"That was...strange," Wesley said, looking around. "Hey, anyone know where we are anyway?"  
  
"You're on *my* ship," Rygle said with an air of superiority.  
  
"*Our* ship, Rygle," Jool shot back. "Moya. She's a Leviathan."  
  
"A what?" Oliver asked.  
  
"Leviathan. A living ship."  
  
"Really?" Wesley said in awe.  
  
"Hey, what's in here?" Cade asked, kicking the door.  
  
Jool stared at the door a moment. "Storage room, I think." She opened the door and looked in. "Yeah, storage. There's plenty of room for us."  
  
Everyone filed into the (empty) storeroom. "I thought you said this was a store room," Cade said suspiciously.  
  
Jool shrugged. "We don't have anything to store."  
  
"All right," Cade said sitting down, "as long as we have to play this stupid game, we might as well try. So, since you guys know the ship, where should we go?" he asked Jool and Rygle.  
  
"Command?" Jool shrugged.  
  
"We should have a good strategy too," Wesley interjected.  
  
"Let's ask Manda for broomsticks and us a Quidditch strategy!" Oliver said excitedly.  
  
Everyone gaped at him. "What the frell is Quidditch?" Rygle asked.  
  
Oliver frowned. "It's a game. Played on broomsticks."  
  
"The dead do not ride broomsticks," Kai said. Everyone suddenly turned their attention to him.  
  
"You're dead?" Cade asked.  
  
"Yes," answered Kai.  
  
"Well why the frell didn't you tell us?!" Jool shrieked.  
  
"The dead do not advertise that they are dead."  
  
"Of course not!" Rygle said sarcastically. "*Everyone* knows that, you morons."  
  
"Ok, anyway, the kid's right. We need a strategy. Any ideas, Dead Guy?"  
  
"The dead do not strategize."  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes. "Anyone else have an idea?"  
  
"The dead do not do jumping jacks."  
  
They all looked at Kai again. "Who asked?" Wesley asked.  
  
Kai shrugged.  
  
"So that was just a completely random outburst?" Jool asked.  
  
"The dead do not have completely random outbursts."  
  
"Okaaay," Wesley said. "I say we just walk into Command and look for the corn stalk."  
  
"The dead do not color with crayons."  
  
"Sounds good to me," Cade said, ignoring Kai. "Any objections?"  
  
"The dead do not object."  
  
"Good enough for me." They left the empty storeroom. "Lead the way guys."  
  
"This way," Rygle said, going right.  
  
"No, *this way,*" Jool said, going left.  
  
"Oh, what do you know?" asked Rygle.  
  
"What do I know? I know that *that* way," she pointed right, "is the way we came!"  
  
"She's right, Frog Man," Oliver said.  
  
"I am a *Hynerian!* Not a Fog Man."  
  
"Frog Man," Oliver corrected.  
  
"The dead do not like Frog Men."  
  
"I'm not a Frog Man!"  
  
"Shut up Frog Man," Cade said. He turned to Jool. "Lead the way.  
  
"The dead do not have a lovely bunch of coconuts, deilei deilei."  
  
Ignoring Kai, Jool stepped ahead of everyone and began walking. Silently, they followed her.  
  
***************************************************************************************************************  
  
"Jool, we're lost, aren't we?"  
  
"The dead do not get lost."  
  
"Can I punch him? Please, someone say I can punch him."  
  
"You're the leader."  
  
"Will you frellers shut the hezmanna up?" Jool growled as Cade wound up to punch Kai. He dropped his arm in disappointment.  
  
"So Jool, are we lost?" Wesley repeated.  
  
"Errr..."  
  
"No sense of direction...should've listened to me..." Rygle muttered under his breath.  
  
"Shut up, Frog Man," she spat back.  
  
"I AM NOT A FROG MAN!!!"  
  
"The dead do not like it when Frog Men yell."  
  
"Who cares what the dead don't do or like?" Wesley grumbled.  
  
"Hey Jool?" Oliver said. "Why are we just standing here?"  
  
"'Cause we're lost," Cade said.  
  
"The dead do not like snow."  
  
"No one *CARES!*" Jool screamed.  
  
"The dead do not care if anyone cares or not."  
  
Jool let out one of her famous, weird-sounding, eardrum splitting screams. For nearly 10 minutes she went on and on. Finally, when everyone was certain they were quite deaf, she stopped.  
  
"The dead do not like that scream."  
  
"I'll do it again if the dead don't shut up!"  
  
"Hey, hey, hey kids," Cade said. "Let's chill out here. Jool, go ask Manda to write us out of this."  
  
"I don't wanna," she pouted.  
  
"Too bad. You got us lost."  
  
"The dead do not like Jool."  
  
Jool glared at Kai. "Shut up you." She looked back at Cade and sighed. "Fine, I'll be back in a minute. Booga booga booga." She disappeared.  
  
***************************************************************************************************************  
  
"Aw hell. My notebook's nearly full." (A/n: This is a real life crisis I'm dealing with right now! Waaah!)  
  
"Don't worry about that. I'll get you a new one." (A/n: Wish someone really would, hint hint hint. ^_~)  
  
"Trip, you're such a sweet heart," Manda giggled. "So, now that we've gotten them lost, what should we do to Team 3?"  
  
Trip thought for a minute. "How `bout wild monkeys? Or a plague of frogs."  
  
"Well, I've got plans for a frog when Jordan makes a cameo, but monkeys sound cool. Oooh! What about-"  
  
Manda was interrupted by Jool's appearance. She stared at her a moment, then slammed down her notebook, threw her head back, and let out a scream to rival Jool's.  
  
"What the BLOODY HELL!?! Do I have to hold your freaking hands?"  
  
"Two others were already here," Trip whispered  
  
"Oh," Jool whispered back.  
  
"Whaddya want Jool?" Manda said angrily.  
  
"Ummm...oh yeah! Can you write us out of being lost?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Manda shrugged. "'Cause Trip thinks it'd be funnier if you're attacked by wild monkeys."  
  
"Oh c'mon, can't you just make us magickally appear in Command?"  
  
Manda looked at Trip, who shrugged. "What the hell? We can always attack them with wild monkeys later."  
  
"Ok," Manda said. "Now go away Jool."  
  
"'Now go away Jool,'" she mocked. "Meanie. Macaroni and cheese." She disappeared.  
  
"Well, we've been visited by everyone," Trip said. "Whatchya gonna do now?"  
  
"Probably end this chapter and start the next one. But in the mean time," she pouted, "you're going to be needed on Enterprise tonight."  
  
Trip gasped. "But who'll be your partner-in-crime till then?"  
  
"Well, as we're in English, I'll rescue Kara for a while. Bye Trip!"  
  
Trip waved good-bye as he disappeared and Kara took his place.  
  
***************************************************************************************************************  
  
A/n: Well, there's the end of chapter three. Whatever happened to Team 2 you ask? Well, you'll just have to read to find out, now won't you? ^_^ I still need to know if you'd prefer Kara beaten with a duck or a pig, as that part's coming up. C'mon guys, whaddya think? Please review? Please? Look, *gets down on hands and knees* I'm begging. You know you want to. Oh, and queeneve, my only repeat reviewer.........My fic, I can have Trip if I want. So nyah. *sticks out tounge* ^_^ jk. Well, not really, but...Anyway. Lemme know what y'all think.  
  
~Manda/SG 


	4. What the FRELL Ever Happened to Team 2?!

The Magickal Golden Corn Stalk  
  
Chapter Four: What the Frell Ever Happened to Team 2?!  
  
Disclaimer: Are you people sure I have to do this EVERY chapter? *rolls eyes* These are NOT my characters! And I don't own Kara either! She's her own person! As for me, I will be selling myself to the highest bidder. Any bids? Anyone? Anyone at all? *silence, with the exception of crickets in the background* Aw hell...  
  
Summary: What do you get when you mix one insane writer, 18 of her favorite characters from various TV shows/books/movies and a magickal, golden corn stalk? This story! Now read on!  
  
A/n: I'm sorry, but I feel the need to put this at the beginning of the fic. I recently got this review from an individual calling himself "Iden (The Box)":  
  
"Wow, you know, this is actually not too bad... considering it sounds *exactly* like our stories, we have been submitting, I mean, some of the exact same styles, concepts, ideas, and even *everything*, but beyond, you know, the fact that it looks entirely stolen and cheap in that sort of way, not too shabby.  
Should you want to read the original funny *@#$ check this below:  
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=491003"  
  
Intriguing. Very. No, really. I honestly don't see it. And considering this story is the product of my immense writer's block (hence the reason it's completely pointless: I'm just having fun) and that's only FAN FICTION, I don't see the big deal. *shrugs* But, y'know, whatever. I'm just gonna keep doin' what I'm doin'. Wanna bitch? Go ahead. I'm not stopping you.  
  
Now that I've wasted ENTIRELY too much time on this pointlessness, on to Chapter Four!  
  
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"I can't believe this! Can you believe this Chiana?!"  
  
Chiana raised an eye brow at John. "What? What's the big deal?"  
  
John waved a bunch of papers in Chiana's face. "*This!* *This* is the big deal! She has you pop in on her and some Trip guy back in Chapter 2, then skips right over us!"  
  
"It's called *suspense,* you twit," Will said. "She had Chiana pop in, then skipped over us to incite any random people reading this to keep reading to find out what Chiana has to say. See, she has to use some sort of literary device. Otherwise, this is all just nonsense."  
  
"But it *is* all just nonsense," said Zhaan. "Didn't you just read that huge Author's note above? She's just having fun because she has the most horrible disease ever known to the Writer. She has," Zhaan shuddered and gulped, "Writer's Block."  
  
Everyone shuddered and agreed that Writer's Block *is* the most horrible disease ever, in the history of the universe.  
  
"As horrible as WB is, it doesn't explain skipping over us completely," John said.  
  
"I just told you," Will said. "Suspense."  
  
"Nah, I don't think so," Harry said. "Manda's not *that* good a writer to think up something like that. Have you read the horrible torture she's put me through? I think it's just a fluke."  
  
"Actually, Manda skipped us so she could title this chapter the way she did," said Seven.  
  
"How do you know?" Chiana asked.  
  
"I was listening to her, Kara, and Jordan discussing this fic in lunch the other day."  
  
Everyone looked at Seven in shock. "You *eavesdrop* on the writer?" Zhaan gasped.  
  
"It was not difficult. Just a simple matter of realigning my nano-probes to the same frequency of the hiss of an over-weight, male cat, subtracting the square root of 35,453,444,681,681,687,641,521,657,641 from the probable summation of Pi, multiplying the number of words in the last chapter by the number of words in the lyrics of `Clint Eastwood,' by a group known as Gorillaz, programming my cortical implant to pick up K-Rock, jumping up and down several times shouting, `I'm a pretty monkey,' adding extra caffeine into her soda, applying pressure to my inoccular implant, hitting my head against the wall, and asking her politely if I could join in the conversation."  
  
Everyone gaped at Seven, then looked at each other. "Erm, was anyone else lost at `It was not a difficult matter?'" asked Harry.  
  
"I picked up something about cats," John offered.  
  
"Yeah, that's about as far as I got too," Will said.  
  
"We should decide our next course of action," Seven interrupted, annoyed. "It would be pointless and a waste of a chapter if we just sat here talking about irrelevant things, such as why Manda skipped over us. We should be concentrating on our task."  
  
"*Please*," Chiana said, rolling her eyes. "Our `task' is to find a magickal golden corn stalk. It's just plain stupid."  
  
"Yeah, but Manda's the *author*, Chiana. I don't think we have a choice of doing as she says," Zhaan replied.  
  
"I'm with the blue chick," Will said.  
  
"All right, since I *am* the team leader," John said importantly, puffing out his chest, "I think we should listen to...uh, The Number." He pointed at Seven.  
  
"My designation is Seven of Nine. You may call me Seven, not `The Number.'" She glared at John.  
  
"Sorry, sorry. Anyway, let's review what's happened. Ahem." He held his copy of the fic in front of him. "' John Crichton sat on the terrace, looking into the stars. Well,...'"  
  
20 minutes later, when John was *finally* done reading the last three chapters, Harry was curled up on the floor sleeping, Zhaan and Will were sitting against the far wall, heads drooping on each other, Chiana was sitting in a corner rocking back and forth, and Seven was pacing in circles muttering to herself.  
  
John walked over to Harry, kicked him in the head, then went over to Zhaan and Will and shouted "WAKE UP!" in their faces.  
  
"Come *on* guys, it's not *that* bad. I kinda like it so far."  
  
"Not *that* bad?!" Chiana shrieked. "What the...I mean...GAH! Booga booga booga!" she screamed, and disappeared.  
  
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"Ok. First, why do we want to get this corn stalk?"  
  
"'Cause I said you do," Manda said stubbornly.  
  
Chiana suddenly appeared.  
  
"Hey! You wait your turn buddy. Go ahead Stark."  
  
"Who makes a corn stalk golden and magickal?"  
  
"I do."  
  
Stark raised his eyebrow. "All right. And why do you keep spelling magickal with a `k?'"  
  
"I like magickal spelled with a `k,'" Trip said. "It's creative."  
  
Manda beamed. "Thank you Trip."  
  
"Ok," Stark said. "Uh, thanks, I guess."  
  
"Good," Manda said. "Now go away."  
  
"Bitchy much?" Stark muttered. "Erm, macaroni and cheese." He disappeared.  
  
"All right, now what do you want Chiana, and make it quick!"  
  
Chiana marched up to where Manda and Trip were sitting. "Get me outta here!" she yelled. "I mean it! I want out! I can't take this any more! And what the frell is he doing here?" She pointed at Trip. "He left and Kara came in last chapter. This is a continuality error!"  
  
"No it's not," Manda said shaking her head. "See, because I didn't know Trip was going to have to go when I wrote Team 1's chapter, if you see Trip when you come, then, obviously, you had to go back in time to after Stark came, when Trip was still here. See? No continuality error!"  
  
"Huh?" Chiana said dumbfounded. "My head hurts after that. And how do you know all this?"  
  
Manda straightened up. "I am the supreme queen of the universe. I know all. That, and I'm Chapter 4-Manda. I gave Chapter 2-Manda a break so she could go get a Dunkachinno. Which, by the way, she should be back by now. I only gave her enough for one Dunkachinno. Oh well. She'll be back eventually. I should get back to my own chapter. See ya Trip."  
  
"Bye Manda. Hey, do I come back after Kara?" he asked in his sweet little southern accent.  
  
"Maaaybe, maaaybe not. I'm not telling." Manda grinned evilly. She scribbled something down in her notebook. When she looked up there were several loud pops, and the room flashed. Chiana looked around. Everything was the same, except that Kara was sitting where Trip had been, and Manda was now balancing a laptop on her lap.  
  
"Hey, how long till you think Jordan notices you stole her laptop?" Kara asked.  
  
Manda shrugged. "A while, I hope. My notebook's filling up. Plus, y'know, notebooks are good for the middle of English or Biology when I'm bored out of my skull, but I really prefer the computer. This thing," she pointed to the disk drive that held her infamous black disk, "is my best friend."  
  
Chiana cleared her throat. "So, uh, are we back in Chapter 4?"  
  
"Yup. And *you*, Chiana, should be getting back to your team." Kara nodded in agreement.  
  
"Hey! But I want out of here!"  
  
"Too bad. Now do you wanna go by yourself, or shall I have to make you?"  
  
Chiana pouted. "Macaroni and cheese," she grumbled and instantly vanished.  
  
"Hey," Kara said suddenly, "I thought you said I could have a kissing scene in here. When's my kissing scene? And when do I get beaten with a duck?"  
  
"I'm workin' on it, I'm workin' on it."  
  
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"Hey Chiana, `bout time you got back," John said when Chiana reappeared.  
  
"We've decided to go to Command," Will said.  
  
"Command?" Chiana asked. "But everyone else is going to Command!"  
  
"Exactly," Zhaan said. "Something big must be about to happen if everyone else is going. Some sort of plot-twisting event."  
  
"I'm *telling* you," Harry said stubbornly, "*nothing's* going to happen. Manda probably just can't think of any other places on the ship to send people."  
  
"You seem preoccupied with hating Manda," Seven said. "Perhaps you should, as humans say, `drop it.'"  
  
"You're forgetting I'm the only one that's dealt with Manda before. I know what she's capable of."  
  
"Actually," Zhaan said, "I was in one of her earlier fics. It was all about me," she said proudly.  
  
"But that was years ago," John pointed out.  
  
"Does this really have a point?" Will asked.  
  
"Nah, probably not," Chiana said. "I think they're just wasting time."  
  
"We should be leaving for Command," Seven said. "This waste of time is a...waste of time."  
  
"Oooh, good one," Harry said.  
  
"All right, all right, shut up you," he said to Harry. "Seven's right, let's go." Although none of them really wanted to, the team followed John to the door. When they were about a half a meter from the door, Manda and Kara appeared.  
  
"Sorry guys, didn't mean to interrupt," Manda said looking at the stolen laptop and trying to balance it on her arm. "But John, you are the lucky winner."  
  
"Lucky winner? Of what? Do I get to leave?!" he asked excitedly.  
  
"Calm down killer," she said. "No. No one gets to leave." She erupted into evil laughter.  
  
"Manda!" Kara shouted.  
  
"Oh. Er, yeah. Anyway, no, I promised Kara a kissing scene with the prisoner...er, I mean, *guest* of her choice. Guess who she choose?" Manda finally looked up at John and smiled sweetly.  
  
"Oh no," he said as Kara walked up to him. "C'mon, seriously. You're pretty and all, but I've got a girlfriend. If Aeryn-"  
  
He was cut off as Kara pressed her lips against his. He resisted a little a first, but then figured, hey, as long as he had no say in this, he might as well enjoy it. (A/n: What a guy...) The kiss went on for a while, like any good kissing scene should. There quite possibly could have been tounge involved, but Manda will never tell.  
  
When they finally let go of each other, they were both gasping for air. "Whoa," Kara said. "Hey, if you ever wanna just swing by, maybe give my boyfriend a few pointers, I wouldn't object," she said to John.  
  
"All right, c'mon Kara," Manda said. "They've got work to do."  
  
"Ok, ok, fine!" Kara and Manda both disappeared.  
  
John turned around to face the team, only to find Will and Harry glaring at him. "What?" he said innocently.  
  
"Why do *you* get the only kissing scene in the whole fic?!" Will said angrily.  
  
"Well, it's probably not the *only* kissing scene," he said weakly.  
  
"Yes it is," Seven said. "Manda said so when she was talk to Kara and Jordan." John glared at Seven, but she ignored it and preceded to the door. "As Manda said, we have `work to do.' I suggest we continue with our original plans."  
  
"Yeah," John said. "What The Number says."  
  
Seven narrowed her eyes, then turned her head and stuck her nose in the air. Reluctantly, they once again started on their way.  
  
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A/n: he he he! I've broken my record for most reviews. It used to be 6. Now it's *9*. (yes, that's how pathetic a writer I am) And the Infamous Sherry reviewed it! I am so honored! (Sherry is Kara's cousin. Since Kara keeps telling me how great she is and I've yet to meet her, she's infamous ^_^) Anyway...a kissing scene! Oooh! Will Aeryn find out? And what *will* she do if she does? The answers to all this and MORE coming soon to a computer screen near you. Until then, make me feel special and review, s'il vous plait. Oui, I know, I'm pathetic, begging for reviews. But that doesn't that make you feel sorry for me and want to review me? No? Ah well, it was worth a try. ^_^  
  
~Manda/SG 


	5. Further Exploits of Team 1 and Kara Fina...

The Magickal Golden Corn Stalk  
  
Chapter Five: Further Exploits of Team 1 and Kara Finally Meets the Duck!  
  
Disclaimer: AHHH!!! These. Are. NOT. My. Characters! The song lyrics in here are not mine! Liz, Rachelle, and Kara are not mine! I'm not even mine! So don't sue me! Plus, I'm poor. No cash here.  
  
A/n: Ok, this takes quite a bit of explaining so no one bitches at me for ripping them off. My friend Rachelle is a fellow writer (mostly just for her manga, but, apparently, other kinds too). She read my story and became the single scariest type of writer EVER. One that's been inspired by ME. *everyone screams* Yes, I know, it's very scary, but other then some little characterization things (she's not familiar with these characters) that don't matter in a silly fic anyway, she did a very nice job. So to cut to the chase, Rachelle wrote the first half of this chapter. Everyone welcome Rachelle. *Rachelle pops in and waves* Well, onto the story.  
  
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After taking several lefts and going straight too many times to count, Team 1 became convinced that they were lost.  
  
"We're lost!" Stark exclaimed.  
  
"I think the author has assessed that point already!" Aeryn contributed.  
  
"This makes no sense! We've been going in the general direction of where Command should be. So why aren't we there yet?" Acorna riddled.  
  
"Isn't it obvious that someone doesn't know where they're going!" Julian intoned.  
  
"Pack it in!" Aeryn countered.  
  
"That's it!" Acorna said.  
  
"We should 'pack it in?'" Aeryn suggested.  
  
"No. The only reason why we can't get to where we want to go I because someone doesn't know where we're going!"  
  
The suggestion was so obviously brilliant that it left the group in a stupor, allowing a hush to fall over the team and giving the author a chance to dig up words they could use instead of said. (A/n [Manda]: Remember, this is Rachelle's part! I'm quite partial to "said" myself. :) )  
  
Suddenly a loud clap of thunder reverberated through the hall and a large cloud formed. This caught everyone's attention, especially since they weren't used to seeing clouds form in the spacecraft. From the depths of the cloud, Trip emerged looking oddly pale and dressed in a long, black robe.  
  
"Look, it's Trip!" Stark remarked.  
  
"You have a bad habit of repeating things the writer has already made obvious!" Aeryn replied.  
  
"REMEMBER! REMEMBER THE POWER OF THE PEN!" Trip bellowed.  
  
Acorna came close and bowed in a mannerly fashion. "Trip, why whatever do you mean by 'power of the pen?'"  
  
"I can say no more! I can merely repeat: REMEMBER! REMEMBER THE POWER OF THE PEN!"  
  
Having howled out this message, Trip disappeared along with the dark cloud and the sound of lightning.  
  
"'Power of the pen?'" Julian pondered aloud. "AHA! I get it! A pen is what got us here in the first place, remember? Maybe the reason why we can't get to command has to do with the writer!"  
  
"MANDA!" they all chimed.  
  
"I'll go find out………"  
  
Suddenly, Stark went into a prone position and began to sing:  
  
"Early morning Manhattan/Ocean winds blow on the land/Movie palaces now undone/The all night watch men have had their fun/Sleeping cheaply on the midnight show/It's the same old ending – time to go/GET OUT!"  
  
A look of extreme amazement passed over Stark's face. "I'm not standing for another minute of this! Booga booga booga!"  
  
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By the third "booga," Stark stood in front of Manda, but instead of being accompanied by Kara, there was a girl with short black hair and Crow makeup on.  
  
Sensing the confusion coming from Stark, Manda filled him in.  
  
"This is Crow Maiden Liz! She just popped outta nowhere!"  
  
Stark shook his head. "I don't care about that! Why are you keeping us from getting to Command? Why did you have Trip do a soothsayer cameo, and why did you have me sing a verse from 'The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway' by Genesis?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"GENESIS!"  
  
"Why would I do that? I don't even know who Genesis are!" A look of realization crossed over Manda's face. "But I know who does."  
  
Manda typed furiously in to her laptop and put her hand in her lap. "This should only take a minute." She stared for a moment. All was silent except for Liz, quietly mouthing the words to "Mr. Tinker Train." Suddenly the sound of an approaching scream was heard, followed by a dull thud.  
  
"OWWIE!" piped a voice.  
  
Stark spied an amazingly beautiful African-American girl rubbing her arse in pain.  
  
"Rachelle Morose! I knew you were up to something," Manda summarized. (A/n [Rachelle]: Running out of words for said!)  
  
"Took long enough! I thought the whole thing with Crow Maiden Liz would be a dead give away! Anywho, I guess I should go now. I'll put Stark and the rest of the team back on the track to the command room."  
  
"Thank you," Stark said, still mystified by her beauty.  
  
"Ohhh. Love vibes between characters and fanfic fan writers. Maybe there will be two kisses in my fic."  
  
"We'll see," Rachelle said and disappeared.  
  
"Macaroni and cheese," Stark said sadly.  
  
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"AHA! There you are, fill us in," Acorna interrogated.  
  
"Um…if we go the way we were going before we should get to Command. The reason why we could get there before is 'cause Rachelle doesn't know what Command looks like or what to put there."  
  
"Who's Rachelle?" asked Aeryn.  
  
"She's the writer of this fanfic-fanfic."  
  
"Whatever! Let's blow this popsicle stand."  
  
As Team 1 made their way to Command, Stark's thought were glued to the image of Rachelle, rubbing her arse in pain.  
  
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(A/n [Manda]: Yay! I got my fanfic back! From now on everything not in the disclaimer, including A/n's, are all mine!)  
  
When Team 1's charade was all done with, they found themselves in Command, along with the other two teams. Everyone looked around in confusion; there certainly was no magickal, golden corn stalk here.  
  
"Bloody hell," Julian said. "What're we supposed to do now?"  
  
"I TOLD you!" Harry was jumping up and down yelling. "I TOLD you Manda was a crappy writer!"  
  
"This sucks," Will said. "Let's leave."  
  
"I concur; there is no relevance in this. We should go."  
  
Stark was just sighing dreamily, thinking of Rachelle.  
  
"All right, all right, shut up," Manda said as she, Kara, and Trip appeared in Command. Manda was hanging on Trip's arm, Kara standing to her other side. "What's the dill, dawgs?"  
  
Everyone, including Trip and Kara, stared at Manda in complete disbelief.  
  
"Heh heh, sorry about that. I've been hanging out with Audra lately, ok?! Anyway, what's up?"  
  
"Why're we here?" Cade asked.  
  
"The dead do not jump on pogo sticks."  
  
"SHUT UP!" everyone screamed.  
  
"Uh, 'cause Casey wants to announce something." Just then a girl that bored a striking resemblance to Manda appeared. She was just an inch or so shorter, her hair was shoulder-length, and her eyes were lighter. Other then that, they looked very much alike.  
  
She glared at Manda hanging on Trip, and then faced the teams. "I've got a secret!" she said in a singsong voice.  
  
Everyone on the teams rolled their eyes. "So what?" Oliver asked.  
  
Casey looked hurt. "Fine! If no one's interested in knowing that Kara kissed Crichton…"  
  
Aeryn's eyes widened. "What!?"  
  
"The dead do not think it's nice to kiss other people's boyfriends."  
  
"Yup," Casey said.  
  
Aeryn marched up to Kara and breathed heavily in her face. "Manda!" she yelled even though she was less then a foot away. "You let this happen!? I DEMAND a weapon to fight her with!"  
  
"You can't leave me defenseless!" Kara cried to Manda.  
  
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Aeryn, you and I discussed you making demands of me. Just for that…" Manda typed into the laptop, and a duck appeared in Aeryn's hands.  
  
"A duck? A DUCK!?"  
  
"The dead do not think Aeryn can kick ass with a duck."  
  
Manda smiled, then typed some more. A light saber suddenly appeared in Kara's hands.  
  
"The dead do not think Aeryn has a chance now." Everyone snickered.  
  
Kara looked at the light saber, and, softly at first, started laughing evilly. Gradually her laughter built up until she was howling with evil laughter. She then began running around, swinging her light saber wildly.  
  
It was chaos. Everyone except Manda, Trip, Casey, and a confused Malcolm (whom Manda wrote in for Casey) were running around madly. Kara was swinging the light saber around in every direction, not caring who she hit. But (probably not so) amazingly, the character's burns healed as quickly as Manda could write.  
  
Suddenly, Aeryn stopped dead in her tracks. With the duck in one hand, she marched over the Kara and whacked her across the face. The light saber clattered to the ground and Aeryn grabbed Kara by the collar. She dragged her into the next room and shut the door. There were several yelps of pain and quite a few loud quacks. When they came back out, Aeryn looked a great deal happier, Kara looked sane again, and the duck looked like shit.  
  
Manda sighed and looked at the trio. "Well, did you get that out of your systems?"  
  
Kara and Aeryn both answered with a "yes," the duck with a quack.  
  
"Good. Now y'all get outta here and start looking for that corn stalk." Manda, Trip, Casey, Malcolm, Kara, and the duck all disappeared.  
  
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A/n: Well? You like? You hate? My part? Rachelle's part? Lemme know! And I still haven't decided which team'll win, so if you wanna put in your 2 cents about that in the review you wanna leave me now… :)  
  
~Manda/SG 


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